Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Buffy the Vampire Slayer 5.6 Family

The Dish: Tara's family cockblocks her birthday spankings.

It's been a tough year for the Buffster. She's moving back home, thanks to Momma health concerns...and Dawn. Blech. But our Slayer's got good reason to be concerned. Just as a new Jigsaw-looking demon in town is about to pounce on the harried Doctor Ben -- people have been going insane left and right all over Sunnydale, and he's had to treat them all -- Glory kidnaps the demon and orders it to gather its crew to kill the Slayer.

If birthday shopping woes doesn't kill Buffy first, that is. The gang is stressed because Tara's birthday is fast approaching and they have no clue what to get her. She hasn't really been part of the Scoobies all that long. Tara herself feels isolated from the group, but that's the least of her problems. Her dad's in town and in tow he has Cousin Beth -- Amy Adams! -- and Brother Donny -- that paraplegic guy from 'Friday Night Lights'! -- and they want Tara to come back home.

The reason being that all the Maclay ladies have demon in them, which comes out on their 20th birthday. Tara desperately wants to stay in Sunnydale, but fears what the Scoobies will think if they learn the truth. So, the witchy-witch casts a spell to prevent the gang from seeing her inner demon.

Unfortunately, Tara doesn't realize how powerful she is. The spell prevents the Scoobies from seeing ANY demons. Epicly bad timing! Glory's new minions descend upon the Magic Box, and the gang finds themselves fighting foes they cannot see. Tara realizes her mistake and breaks the spell. Buffy kills the demons, and Tara's family bursts in, ready to drag her out by her ear. They really don't know who they're messing with. The Maclays are informed that if they want Tara, they have to get through the entire gang. Except Spike. He doesn't really care what happens.

With the bad guys defeated, or going back home to Buttfuck Nowhere, the gang properly celebrates Tara's birthday. She gets a crystal ball from Giles, a broomstick from Dawn, and a whole lot of love from Willow. As the two soulmates dance, they literally float. *Sigh, tear* But seriously, where are those birthday spankings?

Liz's BITES:
* God, I love this season. One of the best stand up and cheer moments of the series has to be when the Scooby Gang sticks up for Tara to her shitty family. NOT just because it means Tara is officially part of the gang, -- where's her theme song credit, Joss? -- not just because I love underdog winning moments, but because it shows the gang working together as a unit in their NEW HOME! The Magic Box is the perfect headquarters. Just like the library, there's the odd douchey intruder -- cough, Donny -- but I feel like I have my show back, after the gang was wrenched apart in Season 4. Good show, Scoobs!

* An intact Scooby Gang is only half the puzzle to a perfect season The other half is a bitchin' villain. Oh Glory, I worship at thy feet. Like The Mayor, Glory has the ability to be hilarious and terrifying at the same time. We don't know exactly what she wants, other than to kill the Slayer. Reminds me of somebody that I used to know...

* Spike. Okay, I get the whole wanting to bone Buffy thing. Who doesn't? But does he have to turn into a MARSHMALLOW? He almost reminds me of... *shudder*

* RILEY! Oh welcome back, you manly masochist. I never thought Captain Cardboard would be the type to drown his sorrows. To quote my favourite hell goddess, 'how unbelievably common'. Kind of interesting how Riley picks a VAMPIRE bar -- where the hell was Willy? Was it to try and remain a connection to the underworld Buffy inhabits and Riley no longer does? Also, does the vamp chick Sandy look familiar? That's the same Sandy who Vampire Willow took a liking -- and a licking! -- to back in Season 3.

* I guess I should get to the birthday girl herself, Tara. The whole episode I just wanted to hug her. Still, like the Scooby Gang, we really didn't know much about this Willow-loving Wiccan. Now that we do, I agree with the redhead, Tara is AMAZING for having turned out the way she did. She is much more careful with her magic than Willow, so you know when Tara pulls out the dark stuff, it's for a damn good reason. If the Maclays are like THAT in public, I shudder to think how they behave behind closed doors.

* Which make me so drawn to Cousin Beth. The whole clan mistreats Tara, but Beth really seems to HATE her. I think it's because Beth has submitted to her station as woman=slave, whereas shy, sweet Tara has the strength to say 'no' to the family. Who, by the by, are idiots. To prevent Tara from entering a world of magic, they let her go to college in freaking SUNNYDALE? Derp, derp.

* It's time for this week's Fashion Slayer award, and I am under the spell of two very foxy witches. Tara AND Willow win for their hypnotizing flowery numbers they wear to Tara's birthday party.

That's all for me this week, my lovely readers. What did you think of the episode? Thrilled to see Tara at the centre of things? Think Spike and Riley should start a marshmallow club? Can somebody tell me what the hell happened to Willy? Post a comment and let me know. Check in every Tuesday for my latest Buffy blog.

Dish later;

Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Buffy the Vampire Slayer 5.5 No Place Like Home

The Dish: Buffy gets a shiny new ball...and a hellacious new enemy.

While a bunch of old monks chant furiously while some unseen evil bangs at the door, Buffy's patrol finds her at an abandoned warehouse... and in possession of a new toy! Better hide it from your little sis, Buffy, unless you want it to go the way of breakfast for Joyce. The poor Summers matriarch still ain't feeling good.

Buffy picks up meds for Joyce and finds the security guard from the warehouse...totally insane. Through his rambling, he mentions 'family'. Buffy wigs out, thinking something magic is hurting Joyce. She rushes to the Scooby Gang, who are in the midst of a hectic opening day for the Magic Box. Anya suggests Buffy perform a spell that REVEALS spells, to get a better idea on what might be affecting Mrs. Summers.

So Buffy gets all chanty, and wanders around like she's on a mild acid trip. Though she sees nothing affecting Joyce, any image of Dawn, and even Dawn herself, keeps disappearing and reappearing. After Buffy slams Dawn into a wall, demanding to know what she is doing to Joyce, Giles calls. The glowy ball is called a 'Dagon Sphere' and it spells BAD NEWS -- though not literally, which would be cool.

Buffy hightails it to the warehouse where she finds a tied-up monk...and a tarty-dressed hot bitch named Glory who kicks Buffy's ass. Buffy barely escapes with the monk who, through dying breaths, tells Buffy that she is meant to protect 'The Key'. Wtf is 'The Key'? Clues: it's human, annoying as hell, and the monks rewrote everyone's memories to believe it existed the whole time. Answer: Dawn. Buffy is shocked and tries to think of what is more difficult -- coming up against Glory or wanting to protect Lil Sis.

Liz's BITES:
* It's official. I heart Season 5. And it's all thanks to a delicious hell goddess named Glory. God, -- or goddess, in this case -- it's like the Wicked Witch of the West and Regina George from 'Mean Girls' had a baby. FINALLY, a chick Big Bad, and in the Buffyverse, many consider Glory to be the biggest and baddest of them all. She positively kicked Buffy's ass ten ways from Sunday -- not the lame-o college vamp Sunday, the day -- AND any hell bitch who endangers Dawn is a friend of mine.

* However, I think a case could be made for the MONKS being the most badass Big Bad. Certainly the most sadistic. I mean, they did inflict Dawn upon us.

* I know, I give Dawn a hard time -- because she's a breakfast-credit taking, Joyce attention-whoring bitchlette -- but I have to say, she hasn't stopped me from loving this season, and now that she's got a purpose, all the better. Call me crazy, but was that SYMPATHY I felt for Dawn when she expressed sweet, childlike worry for her mother? It just might haven been. But I'm still totes Team Glory.

* Oh, the woe-begotten Joyce. This is a really interesting storyline. Buffy has literally been to hell and back, and saved the world countless times. Naturally, at first she assumes what is plaguing Joyce is supernatural. The fact that Joyce's maladies are based in nature and reality is no comfort to Buffy. On the contrary, it's terrifying.

* Almost as much as serving a town-full of occult consumerists. I ADORE the Magic Box. Shout-out to my homegirl Willow on her shitty wrap job. Of all the jobs I excel at giving, like our redhead, wrapping ain't one of them. And get a load of Giles. I can't tell what's sexier -- his shopkeeper suit or his wizard outfit.

* I'm also thrilled that Anya is Giles's new employee -- I smell an 'Odd Couple' a la Giles and Cordelia, rife with sexual tension completely contrived from my spank-bank. It's also nice to see Anya existing in the Buffyverse separate from Xander -- who needs a haircut in the worst way. I'm a little curious as to how Anya got her money before she ran out. Does D'Hoffryn offer a severance package? And what about all the other vamps and demons? How do they get their money?

* Check out Stalker Spike, watching Buffy in her house whilst jerking off chain-smoking. Kind of pathetic, though the episode really didn't have time to deal with him. Plus, he gets bonus points for referring to Riley as Captain Cardboard. Love it!

* It's time for this week's Fashion Slayer award -- or should I say Fashion GODDESS? I am so worshiping the style that is Glorificus and her sexy red dress.

That's all for me this week, my lovely readers. What did you think of the episode? Love Glory or wish she'd go back to Hell? What do you make of this 'Key' twist? Seriously, how does the scourgy underworld make a dollar? Post a comment and let me know. Check in every Tuesday for my latest Buffy blog.

Dish later;

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

Buffy the Vampire Slayer 5.4 Out of My Mind

The Dish: Spike and Riley have wriggly pink thing issues.

It's a typical morning in the Summers house, with Joyce contemplating why on earth she decided to get frisky with Hank fourteen-odd-years ago, and produce her food-wasting little bitch of a daughter. The thought is so mind-numbing, Joyce literally passes out.

While at the hospital, Riley gets checked out too and the side effects of the Initiative drugs have put him at risk for a heart attack. Against the doctor's and Buffy's wishes, Riley declares he's too much of a man for the hospital, and leaves, grabbing his balls and grunting as he does so.

As per Buffy's wishes, Soldier Graham rolls back into town and tells Riley he NEEDS a doctor, and there's a specialist ready for him. Riley responds by decking his former friend in the face and running off, proudly displaying his massive man-cock as he does so.

Upon hearing there's an Initiative-doctor in town, Spike grabs on-again girlfriend Harmony and the two hold him at arrow-point and force him to remove Spike's chip. Though just a bit nervous, the good doctor succeeds. The blondie bear is back.

'But Buuuuuffy, I don't wanna go to the doctor!' whines Big-Man Riley. Needless to say, they go to the doctor, arriving just moments after Spike's chip-ectomy. A rumble ensues, as Spike gleefully tries to bite Buffy, but it turns out he's been had. Dr. Trickster didn't remove the chip. Spike and Harmony run off, and Riley collapses. But he's miraculously revived by the doctor and all is well. Yay, I guess.

Buffy goes to Spike's bound and determined to kill him. Instead, the two end up kissing. Like a lot. PSYCH! It's just a dream. SPIKE'S dream. Things just got a lot steamer in the crypt...

Liz's BITES:
* So Spike may not have his mojo back...but I'll SO take Buffy sex dreams. It turns out that beneath this mortal enemy business was smoldering hot sexual tension. At least on Spike's end. Which begs the question: does Spike try to kill Buffy...or bone her? Either way, Spike, please PLEASE use the shackles...

* Whatever Spike ends up doing, I'm happy he's back in the game. Especially with Harmony. This big bad wannabe is such an underrated character. My favourite part of the episode was Harmony blowing smoke in the doctor's face evilly, then immediately apologizing for not seeing the 'no smoking' sign. Adorbs.

* Are Sunnydale doctors the new Sunnydale cops? We've got the ER doctor who told Riley he was at risk for a heart attack with the casualness of a fart in the breeze. Then there was the Initiative doctor who, yes, cured Riley by literally slapping a band-aid on his chest. Way sketch. And who can forget Dr. Ben, who apparently has nothing better to do than entertain 14-year-olds by letting them play with his stethoscope. That sounded wrong.

* URGH, Dawn. The perpetual thorn in TV's side. If she were my daughter, I'd pass out too. Poor Joyce.

* And poor, irrelevant melba toast. Where did Riley's cockitude come from? Last season, he told Buffy he dug the whole Slayer package -- and what a package it is! -- now he's intimidated by her strength? I'm not complaining too much, though. Like Graham, I firmly believe Riley is best when he has an identity OTHER than Buffy's boyfriend, and if that identity is a macho masochist, so be it. Unfortunately, the ending of the ep pointed to more Iowa blandness...

* While 'hot mess' may be a good look for Riley, he's not this week's Fashion Slayer award winner. That honour goes to the real pants-wearer in the relationship, Buffy -- though not for her pants. Check out that hot leather number. Riley, hun, leather = kinky. You're out of your depths, soldier.

That's all for me this week, my lovely readers. What did you think of the episode? Orgasmically thrilled to see Spike back in the game? Wondering who the hell gave these doctors a medical license? Wish Harmony would have bested Riley once and for all? Post a comment and let me know. Check in every Tuesday for my latest Buffy blog.

ALSO, don't forget to listen to me talking Buffy on the Martin Lastrapes Show Podcast Hour, and hear me drool over a certain Buffyverse badass...it may not be who you think:

Dish later;

Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Buffy the Vampire Slayer 5.3 The Replacement

Hello, my lovely readers. Before I start this week's blog, I just wanted to inform you all that I had the wonderful opportunity to be on the Martin Lastrapes Show Podcast Hour, talking about 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer', specifically S1. E5. Never Kill a Boy on the First Date. Give it a listen and please enjoy! http://traffic.libsyn.com/martinlastrapes/EP_72_Buffy5.mp3

And without further ado...

The Dish: Who wouldn't want to have a three-way with their boyfriend clones?

After one too many cockblocking, drunken fights from Xander's parents, the Xan-man has finally decided it's time to cut the booze-soaked apron strings and move out. He takes the Scoobies apartment-hunting and Anya falls in love with one in particular. Xander doesn't think he can afford it, on account of his construction job winding down. A domestic squabble ensues.

Meanwhile, a demon named Toth is looking to, surprise surprise, kill Buffy. On account of Toth's pungent smell, the Scoobs track him to the town dump where he tries to zap Buffy with his power stick -- who wouldn't want to do that? -- but hits Xander instead. Xander is seemingly okay and the Scoobies leave...leaving another Xander behind?

Xander wakes the next morning and stumbles home, finding his clone already there and looking pretty damn spiffy. Xander follows him around, to work, where clone Xander gets a promotion, then to the apartment, where Cloney sweet-talks the previously skeptical landlady into signing him the apartment. Xander goes to warn the gang about his evil doppelganger, but Cloney's got there first.

Xander tracks Willow down and proves he's himself by telling her a bunch of facts that only they would know, including an adorable story about a fire truck. He even does the Snoopy Dance for her. The Scoobies convene and Giles discovers that Toth is behind the dual-Xanders. His zapper divided Xander into two beings, his strongest and his weakest, but both are Xander. Toth's real plan was to hit Buffy and kill the weaker one. Because if one dies, they both do.

Which spells bad news for Xander, when he shows up at the apartment and pulls a gun on Cloney. Yes, a gun. Anya is super-confused...they both seem like Xander. Buffy bursts in and explains the deal. Then Toth bursts in and stirs shit up. They fight. Buffy kills him.

At the Magic Box, Willow reverses Toth's spell and, much to Anya's horny dismay, Xander becomes just one Xander again. But with a new-found confidence, Xander and the gang move his stuff out of the rents' basement. Anya whines about having to help, and Xander jokingly tells Riley that he envies the sanity of his girlfriend. Riley responds to a shocked Xander that he is in fact the lucky one, because Riley knows deep down that Buffy doesn't love him back. This leaves Xander shocked, and with a whole new perspective. 'Which room should I bang Anya in first?'

Liz's BITES:
* This episode had me grinning ear to ear. I'm the first to admit, I've been hard on -- heehee, hard-on! -- Xander for not maturing -- I said hard-on! -- but the guy really has been living in Loserville for quite some time, and the worst part is that Xander has gotten comfortable there. So comfortable, it's started to affect his relationship. Hello, wake-up call. But what I love so much is that Xander's big leap into grown-manhood was aided by Toth, but ultimately came from Xander himself. It was refreshing to see the Scooby class clown so confident and charming. With a secure job, swanky new digs, and a horny, devoted girlfriend, the sky's the limit. Hard-on! Okay, last time.

* Spike could do for a Toth-shock. 'The Replacement' featured the blondie bear literally foraging in the town dump, and playing with a Buffy doll because he has no friends. That's it. If Spike doesn't become relevant next episode, I'm done with him.

* You know who can join Spike in the irrelevant club? Dawn. Honestly, her only function this ep was to be an annoying pain in Buffy's ass. Honestly.

* I have never missed the kink cage so much as when Anya told Xander 'I'm just your slave'. How hot would it be to have Anya play sex slave to TWO Xanders?

* Ummmm, Anya owns a gun? Convenient plot device, kink cage prop, WTF?!

* Okay, I know I'm hard on -- total accident, I swear! -- Riley too, but how could you not feel bad for the guy when he confessed that Buffy doesn't love him. True, my first reaction was to yell at my TV, 'because you're a melba toast, Iowan BORE', but after that there was some definite boo-boo puppy lip going on. To be so into someone knowing they don't share those feelings is just a soul-crusher. But it really puts things in perspective for Xander. Here he was running around thinking he was nothing, the schmuck of the group, but he has real, unconditional love. That means everything.

It's time for this week's Fashion Slayer award, and the winner is the confidence-building, dumpster-frequenting Toth. Normally capes don't do it for me,  but Giles is right, Toth's was very elegant. So billowy. Also, cool teeth, dude.

That's all for me this week, my lovely readers. What did you think of the episode? Happy our little Xander's all grown up? Sad that Anya won't get that three-way that I she wanted? Wonder why the Hellmouth she has a gun? Post a comment and let me know. Check in every Tuesday for my latest Buffy blog and don't forget to listen to the podcast. You won't be disappointed. Hard-on.

Dish later;