Tuesday, 21 April 2015

Buffy the Vampire Slayer 4.19 New Moon Rising

The Dish: Willow's caught between a rock and a hard wolf.

My boyfriend's back and there's gonna be trouble. Indeed, just when Willow and Tara are getting more intimate, holding hands in public and discussing the possibility of a shared illicit pet, Oz rolls back into town...and he wants to sink his teeth into Willow.

Much to Tara's dismay, Willow and Oz meet up that night and the redhead is shocked to see her ex-honey out and about, under a full moon...and completely human. Turns out Oz learned meditation techniques in Tibet and can control the wolf. The former couple talk all night and in the end, Willow is left confused.

She confesses to Buffy that this confusion is because of Tara. Buffy is shocked at Willow's coming out but tries to be supportive, giving Willow the tough-love reality that someone will get hurt. Willow goes to Tara and explains the complication. There are lots of tears and hugs.

Too bad those hugs left a Willowy scent all over Tara...that Oz sniffs out when he bumps into her. Oz puts two and two together, and this emotional revelation causes him to go wolfie. He chases Tara through the mysteriously empty campus, but the commandos catch him and tag him.

Tara goes to the Scoobies and they devise a plan to break into the Initative, with the bizarrely helpful Spike -- he's acting out a secret plan with Adam. On the inside, Riley is horrified at the torturous experiments performed on Oz. He tries to sneak him out, but gets caught and thrown in the brigs, awaiting trial as a traitor.

That's when Buffy and crew burst in and save disgraced soldier and werewolf in one fell swoop. Riley camps out at the charred high school, and for all his efforts, what does he get? A big ole 'let's talk about my past where I dated a vampire' chat from Buffy. Poor anarchist.

Oz realizes that he can't control his wolfiness around Willow, and sees that she's really happy with Tara, so he regretfully leaves town...again. Willow goes back to Tara and tells her that she needs to be with the person she loves...and that person is Tara herself. It's official -- Willow's not driving stick anymore.

Liz's BITES:
* Talk about the mother-lode of love triangles! This episode was a toughie, but a goodie. We wanted Willow and Oz to get back together for so long. But Tara aside, there's nothing like being apart from the one you think is your soulmate to know that it can't work. It's just so heartbreaking that Oz can't be with the one person he loves because that love is what makes him go wolfie.

* Honestly, I'm thrilled Willow picked Tara. From a show standpoint, exploring a same sex relationship on TV was fairly uncharted waters for 2000. But also, Tara just seems so right for Willow. So far there's no tears, no complications, just unconditional love. Tara deserves a medal for waiting out the whole Willow and Oz trauma-drama. But a horny redhead in the dark works too.

* Speaking of horny...I wouldn't mind getting in the middle of the Spike-Adam alliance -- literally. This little demon coalition is all kind of intriguing. I want my blondie-badass back!

* Because it's a sad day when Riley out-badasses you. But I have to raise my glass to Iowa Boy, he definitely grew some balls. I was mad-proud of him when he tried to bust Oz out of the Initiative, and it was orgasmically delicious when he punched out the Colonel...if only he had another knuckle sandwich for Forrest as well...

* Do the Scoobies have a tickle trunk of undercover costumes? I find it a wee hard to believe that, on hand, they have at least two sets of lab coats and Initiative-issue fatigues.

* Unfortunately, none of these inexplicable costumes win this week's Fashion Slayer award. That honour goes to the heartbroken hostile himself, Oz, for his hippie, zen-wolf sweater. *HOWL*

That's all for me this week, my lovely readers. What did you think of the episode? Think Willow made the right choice? Spike and Adam -- dead sexy or who cares? Proud of Riley and his new balls? Post a comment and let me know. Check in every Tuesday for my latest Buffy blog.

Dish later;

Tuesday, 14 April 2015

Buffy the Vampire Slayer 4.18 Where the Wild Things Are

The Dish: Buffy and Riley have multiple poltergasms.

Let's talk about sex, baby! While Anya is worried that a dry spell with Xander -- meaning ONE celibate night -- is cause for alarm, Buffy and Riley can't get enough of each other. They almost forget to tell Giles that Adam has been mending fences between vampires and demons. These two kids have got it bad.

So naturally, the two horn-dogs sneak away during a party at Riley's house...just when the fun starts. There's a rousing game of 'Spin the Bottle', and even an orgasm wall! But then things start getting weird...Hellmouth weird. A flirty redhead starts lopping off her hair, Willow sees a drowning kid in the bathtub, and a girl runs through Anya.

Buffy and Riley can hear the commotion, but are too into their lovemaking to care. The Scoobies run up to their room for help, but then a forest appears -- a real forest, not dickwad Forrest -- preventing them entry. Back-up plan means tracking down the former Watcher, and the gang is shocked to see Giles performing a gig at the Espresso Pump.

The gang discovers the commandos' house used to be a home for wayward youth, run by the evil Genevieve Holt, who would punish the children for being 'dirty'. They became so disturbed, a poltergeist manifested in the house -- hence the hinky party activity -- and it is being sustained by Buffy and Riley's bonefest. Problem is, if they stop, they die. Giles, Willow and Tara perform a spell to implore the spirit of the traumatized kids to...get over it.

However the damage has been done, and the poltergeists try and prevent Xander and Anya from rescuing Buffy and Riley. Guess these hairless, drowned freaks didn't realize they were up against a power-couple. Xander and Anya plow through the haunted house/forest and make it to Buffy and Riley's door. They burst in...and immediately get chastised for not knocking. What, does Riley not have any socks to put on the doorknob?

When the dust has settled and the sheets have been washed, Buffy and Riley feel crazy-guilty at having provoked the poltergeist. But Willow says it best when she tells them, 'Don't be too HARD ON yourself'.

Liz's BITES:
* The mediocre Season 4 is on a hot streak...and it continues this episode. This is one of the particularly creepy ones, something we haven't seen since 'Hush'. My love of hauntings AND horny hotties makes 'Where the Wild Things Are' the perfect popcorn episode. Plus it was delightful taking a break from the namby-pamby relationship that is Buffy and Riley's. Really, only a poltergeist would make me want to have sex with that breadstick all night long.

* Oh, Mrs. McCluskey, where did you go wrong? ('Desperate Housewives' anyone?) Human villains are the best and this Genevieve Holt bitch was pure EVIL. I got chills down my spine during her scene when the Scoobies realized what she meant by punishing the 'dirty ones'. I only wish there was some sort of justice for the atrocities she committed. Giles -- who was fifty shades of sexy, berating her -- should have punched her in her stupid face.

* Can we talk about Giles? He had it going on this episode. I'm with the Scoobie girls, his 'Behind Blue Eyes' number is definitely a contender for Biggest Panty-Moistening 'Buffy' Moment. I mean, he was even hot enough to make Willow reconsider driving stick.

* Speaking of our favourite redhead -- not that skank, Julie -- check Willow out, stroking Tara's thigh. Much like Willow herself, I never thought the void left by Oz could ever be filled, but oh how wrong we were. I'd so rather watch Willow and Tara have an all-night bangfest than Buffy and Riley.

* Sex really is on the brain in this one, as Anya was mega-worried about her relationship with Xander. I can relate to Anya, a highly sexual woman who loves getting it on, but is scared that's all Xander wants from her. Unfortunately, I have never had the pleasure of educating/corrupting the neighbourhood youth like Anya and Xander did in the ice cream truck.

* If Xander and Anya broke up for real, she has a viable alternative in Spike. They have a lot in common -- and MAD-hot sexual tension -- both being neutered evildoers. And as much as I love Xander, Spike is definitely an upgrade. Do you realize the poor blondie-bear hasn't had sex since his fling with Harmony? Faith, Anya, ANYONE, hop on that train STAT. C'mon, the guy has his own shackles.

* Well, 'Behind Blue Eyes' is a man with some very sexy fashion sense. Giles wins this week's Fashion Slayer award for his cafe hipster musician ensemble. I too went to college in the Mesozoic Era, and he blows all those dopey frat types out of the water!

That's all for me this week, my lovely readers. What did you think of the episode? Scale of 1 to 10, how horny did it make you? Shocked anyone could 'keep it up' with snoozer Riley? Excited at Willow's Thigh-Grab-Gate incident? Want to spend some quality time with yourself listening to 'Behind Blue Eyes'...and masturbate? Post a comment and let me know. Check in every Tuesday for my latest Buffy blog.

Dish later;

Tuesday, 7 April 2015

Buffy the Vampire Slayer 4.17 Superstar

The Dish: Everyone wants a slice of...Jonathan?  *moan*

When the chips are down and the Scoobies need help, there's only one man to turn to -- Jonathan. Only the viewers and Adam realize everyone is under a spell where they think Jonathan is the bee's knees. He's got a jazz album, a book, and endorses a running shoe. AND, he's the best of the Scoobies -- he's better with computers than Willow, better at chess than Giles, even better at slaying than Buffy...the Vampire Slayer. Jonathan's so important, he consults with The Initative on the Adam problem.

But when a demon attacks a Jonathan super-fan, and the pint-sized superstar brushes it off, Buffy gets suspicious. She puts her problems with Riley aside and starts to question all of Jonathan's outrageous accomplishments, and asks Anya about alternate realities. Could this be a spell? The Scoobies dismiss the notion, but when Tara is attacked by the same monster, certain evidence can't be ignored.

In Jonathan's swimsuit calendar -- which Giles swears was a gift -- they find the demon's symbol tattooed on his shoulder. Jonathan gives a flimsy excuse, but Buffy insists on hunting it. While they're out, the Scoobies discover that the symbol is the mark of an augmentation spell, in which the spellcaster becomes the 'best of the best', but with that power, a demon is created. Kill the demon and break the spell.

Buffy and Jonathan track the demon and the Slayer gets ready to ruuuuuuumble. As Buffy pummels the demon, Jonathan feels his power slipping away. When the demon puts Buffy in a corner -- NOBODY does that -- Jonathan has a choice -- let Buffy die and keep his power, or kill the demon and lose it. He picks the latter. The spell is broken and everything is back to normal. Jonathan explains he just wanted to be friends with the Scoobies, and Buffy feels sorry for him. But then she has boringass vanilla sex with Riley and forgets...or does she? Oh, Jonathan!

Liz's BITES:
* Oh, Jonathan! What a delightful popcorn episode.  The theme song was brilliant. Whether they're full of death and kink like Cordelia's wish, or chocked with hilarity like Jonathan-Fetishland, alternate realities never fail to disappoint. I loved how this time, we started right in the middle and didn't waste time watching Jonathan do the spell -- us Buffy fans are savvy enough to know something was amiss. Despite all of Jonathan's late 90s culturally relevant accomplishments -- starring in 'The Matrix' and coaching the womens' US soccer team to a World Cup victory -- what he wanted most was to be part of the Scooby Gang. I think that's for two reasons -- they save the world and help people but they're also the best of friends (not socks) which is something Jonathan never had. I thought it really showed his character when he chose to save Buffy and break the spell. Maybe D'Hoffryn will approach him for a job...

*Indeed, fab episode, but they dropped the ball with that augmentation spell symbol. I think we've seen it before... (pick a new shape!)

* Oh phew, it looks like Buffy and Riley will be okay...said nobody ever. Though I don't think anyone can relate to their unique problem, it was an interesting predicament. Buffy felt cheated on even though Riley had sex with her body, and she feels especially insecure because of all of Faith's sexual experience. Silly Buffy, you forgot you're dating a piece of melba toast. Riley much prefers vanilla, slow missionary sex. God, I think a turtle ran by while he was mid-thrust.

* It as a breath of fresh, horny air to see Anya back in the mix. I loved the scene where Buffy went to her for advice. Anya's awkward welcome and 'buck up, you' speech were golden, but what I loved was that Anya was the most helpful in Buffy's quest to figure out the truth about Jonathan. I wonder what Anya knows about a world without cilantro...

* Though the lustiness didn't burn so hot this episode, I liked seeing Tara in the thick of things, hanging with the Scoobies. Notice how Willow comforted her after the monster attack? Looks like red is having lusty right feelings.

* While Jonathan may be a bullshit artist, his masterpiece lie was that every demon in town is 'gunning for Spike'. I've heard that song before. Yet it seems that the Scooby Gang can't fart without Spike getting a whiff, they bump into him so much. Not to beat off a dead horse, but Spike should have skipped town with Faith and the two of them could have had five by five, lights on kinky sex!

* We've seen 'big bad' villain Adam -- DROOL! -- for the past two episodes...and he's been nothing but a footnote, only there to remind us of his existence. I believe it's just further proof that he's a lameass villain, and they should have kept Professor Walsh alive and let her fill the role. Still, thanks to Jonathan, we learned that his power centre is his heart. Awwwwwww.

* It's time for this week's Fashion Slayer award and the winner is the superstar himself, Jonathan, for his jazz-cat tux he wore at The Bronze. I loved that scene. Even in normal-world Sunnydale, I really think The Bronze has a future as a jazz club.

That's all for me this week, my lovely readers. What did you think of the episode? Ready to move to Jonathan-Fetishland? Who do you give a shit about less -- Adam and his villainy or Buffy and Riley? Anyone call out 'Jonathan' in the bedroom after watching this? Post a comment and let me know. Check in every Tuesday for my latest Buffy blog.

Dish later;

Tuesday, 31 March 2015

Buffy the Vampire Slayer 4.16 Who Are You?

The Dish: You know the chips are down when Buffy has no time for bondage fun.

After sneaky-ass bitch Faith switched bodies with Buffy, she continues her reign of terror. The blonde wrecking ball's first stop is the Bronze where she gets steamy with Spike, disses Tara, and heads out to sleep with Buffy's squeeze Riley.

Perceptive as she is, Tara tells Willow -- who she all but admitted she has feelings for -- that Buffy is not herself. The two witches perform a very advanced spell -- ASTORAL PROJECTION! -- and concoct a 'katra', which should set things back to rights.

Meanwhile, Buffy is in Faith's body and she's got a problem -- the Watcher's Council wants to kill her. She uses her Slayer strength and hijacks their truck, going to Giles's where she explains the deal. Willow and Tara show up and give 'Faith' the katra. But first thing's first...a bunch of vamps have taken a churchload of humans hostage.

Turns out Adam's been raising an army of vamps to 'face their fears'. Even though Faith had plans to skip town in Buffy's body, she has found a new sense of right and wrong and goes back to save the church people. Buffy shows up too and the Slayers turn the vamps to dust before turning on each other. Buffy uses the katra and the girls switch back into their rightful bodies. Faith hops a truck to nowhere, and Buffy is left with the awful truth -- her boyfriend slept with another woman...kind of.

Liz's BITES:
* Best. Ep. Of the season. Ooooh does Faith know how to disturb some serious shit. Hello, Buffy in 'Bad Girls'...on crack. Faith's warpath was exquisite. Coming onto Spike! Being mean to Tara! Sleeping with Riley! But after Faith exhausted all that, at the end of the day she had to confront the fact that she really hates herself. I actually felt sorry for Faith for the first time...ever.

* You gotta think that the first thing Faith did in Buffy's body, after that whole business with the cops, was not in fact take a bath. Who else thinks she majorly flicked the Buffy bean?

* Okay, that exchange with Spike cannot be ignored. Notice how during 'Buffy''s 'warm champagne' speech, Spike looked mad aroused? Did I not say last episode that Spike and Faith should bang? Urgh, what a little cock tease. It would have been epic.

* So, basically, the exact opposite of sex with Riley. Dude, you have a smoking hot chick in a slutty leather number practically begging you to have rough sex and you just want to 'be Riley'? And how stiff and awkward did that 'lovemaking' look? Soldja boy needs to go through some 'roid withdrawal again and ROUGH IT UP.

* Forrest should really think about a career change and join the Watcher's Council. Because they're a bunch of dicks.

* A bunch of lethal dicks. Man alive, I knew the Watcher's Council was dangerous, but I thought they just ordered killings from afar while drowning in an orgy of crumpets and bureaucracy. Daaamn, those dudes looked like they fell out of a Guy Ritchie movie. While not exactly easy on the eyes, that Weatherby certainly had a sadistic streak -- handcuffing Faith AND spitting in her face? Riley, take notes.

* I was harsh on Tara last ep, but poor little thing! After 'Buffy' bullied her, I so w-w-w-wanted to give her a big hug. And it's official...Tara has the hots for Willow and it looks like our redhead might feel the same way. What is it with shit-disturbing outsiders being so romantically perceptive? Last season, Spike rolled into town and called out Buffy and Angel's sham of a relationship. Here, Faith of all people is the first to notice 'Willow's not driving stick anymore'.

* Buffy, you really are a stuck-up tightass. Everyone has time for bondage fun. Gosh, maybe you and Riley are a good match.

* Adam the hottie should be a vampire life coach. Man, monster-dude knows how to give a pep talk. If only Adam could be a fashion coach as well. Hey Boone, Bender from 'The Breakfast Club' called and he wants his clothes back. Eat my shorts.

* You know who doesn't need a fashion coach? Faith. What can I say, I love me the slut-bomb look. Faith (as Buffy) wins the Fashion Slayer award for the second consecutive week. Buffy as sex kitten? Five by five.

That's all for me this week, my lovely readers. What did you think of the episode? Think Faith should switch bodies more often? Kinda wish Giles and 'Faith' had some bondage fun? And that Tara and Willow should join them? Will my mind ever get out of the gutter? Check in every Tuesday for my latest Buffy blog.

Dish later;