Tuesday, 4 October 2016

Top Ten "Not a Hottie" Men of TV Whom Liz Has a Crush On

My lovely readers, I am back by popular demand, and I have a brand new list for you that will peel your panties knock your socks off.

As you know, I spend a lot of time thinking and talking about TV, and the other day I had the most fascinating musing. I never have a crush on the "hot guy" -- except in my personal life...have you seen my husband? But as far as TV goes, the dashing hero, the dreamy Adonis, just doesn't do it for me. I'm talking zero moisture in the lady flower department. No, the type of man I'm attracted to tends to have a dark side, is typically a bit of a sicko, and is rarely the guy whom teenyboppers hang posters of on their walls.

*WARNING!! This blog contains many spoilers of popular and current TV shows. Proceed with caution. Use a rubber if you have to.*

How many times has one of your girlfriends swooned over the babyfaced Jax Teller? Or swore up and down, to anybody who would listen, that they and they alone could really fix Don Draper? Do we really need to metaphorically throw our bras onto their stages anymore? No, we don't. It's time for the 'not-hots' to have their moment between my legs in the sun.

Here it is, my lovely readers, the Top Ten 'Not a Hottie' Men of TV Whom Liz Has a Crush On:

10. Frank Underwood (Kevin Spacey) - House of Cards

I've always been attracted to powerful men. When I was a tween, I would watch political debates just to feel that tingly sensation in my loins that only a man of influence could provide. However, my penchant for political men made me learn a lesson hard and fast -- most powerful men ain't that foxy-looking. That brings us to Frank Underwood. The more power he accrues, the more pounds he puts on. It works for me. The man is President of the Fucking United States. He doesn't have time to primp and preen for the mirror all day like your dime-a-dozen Remy Danton. 

Frank needs power like Doug Stamper needs therapy -- oh, so much therapy -- and that carries over to the bedroom. When Underwood had the affair with Zoe Barnes, he needed to own her. My favorite Season 1 scene was when he insisted on taking naked pictures of her, and Zoe was only too willing to submit -- who wouldn't be? 

Frank has always had a fairly equal partnership with his wife, Claire, but notice how when she got a taste for some of that power, they stopped sleeping together? A caring husband, Frank gave his blessing for the simpering Adonis author, Tom Yates, to fill his wife's bed. But who is filling Frank's? Mr. President, you've got an eager volunteer here.

9. Mike Ehrmantraut (Jonathan Banks) - Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul

Who doesn't love an ass-kicking grandpa with a heart of gold? Answer: nobody. But who lusts for him? That would be me. I dig Mike's simplicity. He's just a normal guy who only uses violence when he needs to. But man alive, when he does, somebody better fetch me my smelling salts, because I get the vapors! Everytime some wannabe gangster punk is on the receiving end of Mike's fist, I get some major girl-wood.

I really admire Mike's 'keep on keepin' on' outlook. Whenever he does something morally questionable, he doesn't brood about it like some whiny meth addicts we know -- cough, Jesse Pinkman, cough. Mike just picks himself off, goes to visit his granddaughter, and waits to for the next job. 

The only downside to Mike is that I feel like he would be a gentlemen in the bedroom -- Translation: boooo-ring. But if a girl's lucky enough to land a guy like Mike, you know how stalwart his devotion would be. Honestly, anytime we'd go out, I'd pray some asshole grabs my ass or shouts out a degrading comment to just to watch Mike go ballistic...and all in my honor. Ain't that the dream?

8. George 'Pornstache' Mendez (Pablo Schreiber) - Orange is the New Black

Pornstache is a sadistic dickwad who uses and abuses his power over those who have none... so of course I love him. Come on, even those of you who would happily rake Pornstache over the coals have to admit that whenever he put self-righteous Piper in her place, you got just a little bit horny. What other man can spit out phrases like 'tough shit', and have them sound like sweet, romantic nothings in my ear?

From 'Orange''s depiction, it seems like you spend your entire prison existence feeling gross and unattractive. What some call sexual harassment on Pornstache's part, I call reminding me I have a vagina, and one that's appreciated by the male race. Honestly, narcotics aren't my thing, never have been, but I would totally fake a drug addiction if it got me alone in a broom closet with that hunk of man.

For those of you ready to label me an anti-feminist, and deliver my head on a pike to Gloria Steinem, look deep inside yourselves. Did you go weak in the knees for kind-hearted softie Bennett? Did an 'awww' escape your lips every time he performed some sweet gesture for Daya? Well, what happened? As soon as Bennett was faced with the cold hard truth of what being a dad looks like, he drove right over to 'How to Get Away with Murder'. But Pornstache was up for the task of daddyhood. Why? Because he's a man.

7. Roger Sterling (John Slattery) - Mad Men


I honestly feel a little uncomfortable putting Roger on this list because I legit believe he is the most physically attractive man the show has to offer. For a man who's had two hedonistic heart attacks, he is hella trim, and don't get me started on that hair. Yes, my lovely readers, premarture gray hair totally does it for me. But it's not just the silver fox locks. It's the hair plus that youthful, vibrant face -- note, a youthful face is completely different from a baby face. Roger's looks take a decline in the final season, with that pedophile mustache and that comb-over that makes him look like a golfer sent out to office pasture. But substitute golf clubs for a scotch, and that's basically all he was.

Unlike Frank Underwood, Roger was never power-hungry. He wanted just enough to get a swanky office where he could drink all day and bang secretaries. So why put someone so un-ambitious on my list? Because Roger is nothing but a straight shooter. He is completely upfront with his aversion to responsibility, and throughout seven seasons, he never wavers. Unlike the infuriating Don Draper.

Yes, I will admit that I too have a thing for Don, particularly when he's degrading lonely housewives in hotel rooms -- yes, I'm the one person who enjoyed that episode. But what turns me off about our troubled protagonist is that he's so goddamn wishy-washy. One episode he's a pit-bull in the board room and the next he's getting hammered and bagging off work to go vomit at a funeral. Sometimes he's a pillar of fidelity and good daddyhood, then the wind changes direction and he's missing his weekend with the kids to go screw a waitress in an alley. I get it. Don's complicated, and it makes him a great character. But not a great man to crush on. Unlike Roger Sterling.

6. Alex 'Tig' Trager (Kim Coates) - Sons of Anarchy

My lovely readers, I can't begin to tell you the number of times I've been having a conversation about all things sexy, upon which I share some kind of erotic proclivity of mine, only to be met with, at the best of times, a look of bewilderment, and at the worst of times, a look of sheer horror. Tig also finds himself in the same boat when enjoying locker room chatter with the Sons, and that is why we are the perfect match.

Sometimes Tig's kinkiness makes him the butt of the joke, and it's a role he's comfortable filling. It's not until the end of the series that Tig gets any kind of emotional storyline, but that all changes when he meets trans-gendered goddess Venus. Even she questions their relationship, fearing that she's just another item to be crossed off Tig's perv bucket list. But he shows that he is more than just a provocateur, confessing his love for Venus in one of the sweetest, emotionally poignant scenes ever to grace my television.

In the negative column, sometimes Tig, aka, Mr. 'Blind Action' is a little too trigger-happy, and it's resulted in trouble for the club. But Tig lives in reality, unlike Jax Teller who, I'm sorry, ladies, will never do it for me. Jax is a hypocrite, donning rose-colored glasses about making the Sons crime-free when it suits him, and exerting cruel violence whenever he gets bored with playing Biker Gandhi. Jax is an entitled dreamer; Tig is a doer. Oh yeah, he is.

5. Adam Sackler (Adam Driver) - Girls

Adam may be a bit of a controversial pick, because he's technically the 'hot guy' of the show. But really, how much weight does that hold when your competition is self-proclaimed 'old man' Ray and the gorgeous yet unattainably gay Elijah? I don't know many classically handsome men sporting the haircut worn by young boys who spend their time torturing animals and writing fan letters to Charles Manson.

I knew I would have a soft (wet) spot for Adam since the pilot episode when he told Hannah, 'you should never be anyone's slave...except mine'. Oooh, only the most perfect of male specimens can coin a phrase like that.

Adam is a super-intense person, and while I'd imagine it would be exhausting dating him, he's super-arousing to watch. Sure, Adam has some atrocious taste in women, like the vacuous Mimi Rose Howard -- I swear, when Gillian Jacobs isn't playing an activist college student, her characters are really some of the worst people ever -- and the enabling, stick-up-her-butt Natalia. Adam needs someone who would happily crawl on her hands and knees to the bedroom, and let him ejaculate all over the place like it's confetti. To me, that's a party.

4. Chuck Rhoades (Paul Giamatti) - Billions

I have had an inexplicable crush on Paul Giamatti since my younger sister rented 'Big Fat Liar' from Blockbuster Video -- in other words, a long time. The man could play an insurance broker who only makes small talk about the weather and I would be head over heels.

So when he showed up in 'Billions' playing white collar justice avenger Chuck Rhoades, I was all in. Really, Rhoades doesn't care a lick about justice. He just wants to prove to the world, and specifically billionaire Bobby Axelrod, that he has some big balls. And if there's one thing I love, it's Paul Giamatti's big balls.

While I'm not really into sexually submissive men, I must say that watching Chuck get burnt with a cigarette and peed on is infinitely more entertaining that any soft-lit, vanilla, kind-of sex scene to show up on network TV. And that's just the first scene of the series. While Rhoades may be a bottom, his sexual antics will always be at the top of my spank-bank.

3. Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage) - Game of Thrones

There are fewer men in TV-land who are more perfect than Tyrion Lannister. The man is well-read, is an expert in fine wine, is whip-smart with a sense of humor to match, and, oh yeah, is rich as shit. So he may have half a nose and is a little on the short side. Hey, we're all the same height when we're horizontal, am I right?

Really, my only turn-off with regards to Tyrion is his fondness for brothels. But the man has proven that when he's in love, he is a one-cooch man. And hey, all that sexual experience means that he ain't not green boy in the boudoir. He'd just have to get tested before he got under my petticoats.

Really, who is Tyrion's competition? His brother Jaime, who spent almost an entire season crying over the fact that he was forced to become a leftie -- hey, Jaime, you try being forced to use right-handed scissors in Grade 2 art class, then tell me how hard life is. There's also every girl's favorite, the forever-brooding Jon Snow. Please. The former Commander of the Wall would rather lie in a puddle of his own bastard tears than he would with a woman. Instead of cry about being a little person, Tyrion just got smart, hilarious, and wickedly talented in the bedroom. Mic dropped.

2. Danny Rayburn (Ben Mendelsohn) - Bloodline

When I was first introduced to Danny Rayburn, I thought, how the hell does a guy who looks like he spend his days picking up discarded cigarette butts attract the likes of the stunning Chloe Sevigny? Sure, Danny is a step up from bestie Eric O'Bannon, who, every time he appears onscreen, makes me want to take a bath...in bleach, but while Danny may win the Sexiest Scumbag of the Florida Keys award, he wasn't doing much for me in terms of the general male population.

That is, until it was revealed just how brilliant Danny really was. And what did he use his intelligence for? Money? No way. Fame? Forget that noise. He used it for vengeance, to fuck with his perfect-on-paper family who made him feel like the black sheep for his entire life. You know a dude's got brains when he can turn the screws on his detective and lawyer siblings.

Basically, Danny's a sick fuck. My favorite of his stunts is when he 'kidnapped' his niece Janey -- read, picked her up from school and took her on a boat ride. The sexual tension between them in the water was so thick you can cut it with a knife, and I am so mad at them for giving me blue lady-balls. They could have beat Cersei and Jaime as my favorite TV incest couple!

Sure, Kyle Chandler is pretty dollsome. But John Rayburn is basically the Ned Stark of the 'Bloodline' world... responsible and boring as shit. Danny has darkness. Which means Lizzie has wetness.

1. Nicholas Brody (Damian Lewis) - Homeland

Really, it pains me to put Damian Lewis on this list, because I think he is an absolute smokeshow. So much that he is my hall pass. You read that correctly, my lovely readers, and that I can assure you is an honor. But the reason he's on my list of Not Hots is because every time I tell somebody this golden nugget of information, they look at me as if I am certifiably insane.

As soon as Brody was rescued, and you saw his scars, both physical and emotional, I was in TV love. I knew it was a mere matter of episodes before Carrie Mathison would share my feelings. I called their affair from the pilot episode, and my husband looked at me like I was a nutter, but I knew, I just knew, there was no way you could spy on that sexy ginger terrorist -- or is he?! -- all day without finding out if the carpet matches the drawers.

I decided not to include Damian Lewis as the aforementioned Bobby Axelrod of 'Billions' because I think he's a petulant asshole, and I jump for joy every time Paul Giamatti fucks with him just a little bit harder. Bobby's leather jacket is so corny, he looks like he just came from a dress rehearsal of 'Grease'. The way he undermines his annoying wife is deplorable. But that being said, anytime Bobby and Chuck go in for a cock fight, I would happily slip between them.

Basically, my lovely readers, I need you to settle the Damian Lewis debate. Does he belong on my list of Not Hots? Or is he a Hot Hot, and I should taking off, crowning Danny Rayburn at the top of my crush list? I'm sure it would be the first time that ever happened.

So please, my lovely readers, let me know what you think, not just of my #1 pick but of the whole list. Did I leave anybody out? Which Not-Hots do it for you? I'm dying to find out.

Until next time;

Tuesday, 6 September 2016

Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.22 Chosen

The Dish: School's out for bloody summer.

Full disclosure, I hate series finales. They're almost always a disappointment, almost always feel incomplete. Same as after a quickie with a frat boy, we're left scratching our heads going 'that's it?'. I honestly remember being super let-down by the 'Buffy' finale, but I was shocked at how fulfilling, complete and orgasmically exciting it was. Socks literally knocked off. Okay, maybe figuratively. So that being said, let's do this! Here is my take on the series finale of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer':

HOT! The fall of Caleb

The show has always had a feminist, girl-power theme to it, so it makes total sense to have a not-at-all sexy misogynistic dickwad like Caleb be the final, tangible Big Bad. As we'll see throughout the course of this episode, the girl-power mantra is heightened to a fever pitch, and we get a pretty damn good indicator at the top of the ep, when Buffy clips Caleb, starting from the balls up. Like Willow said, scythe matters.

HOT! Buffy cookies

I really didn't care for the return of Angel last episode, because I thought it took a big hairy shit on everything Buffy developed with Spike. But it really comes home to roost here, because more than Buffy's relationship arc with either of these soul-happy vamps, Buffy has to complete the relationship arc with herself. If we look at Buffy's track record with men, she's either taking them for granted, or letting them walk all over her. She's never been able to have a functional relationship because, as Buffy discovers, she's 'cookie dough that's not finished baking'. Being the Slayer means she's never had time to discover a sense of personal self, and when she finally gets time to do that, she can't be with someone else. Even though this is such a positive revelation, it'd feel pretty crappy if she delivered it to Spike, because she just admitted there's a part of her that craves a future with him. With Angel it makes sense, because they've already established that they can't be together, but that the longing has never fully gone away.

HOT! Rock 'em, sock 'em

My Wood has never been more 'throbbin that in his battle-prep scene with Faith. Our 'bad Slayer' has a pretty cut-and-dry approach to men which can be summed up as 'fuck and bail'. Faith believes that she needs to be emotionally unavailable, and use men for their bodies, because if she doesn't, she'll get walked all over. The power dynamic is you're either the victim or the asshole, and Faith would rather be the asshole. Wood is brilliant in his interaction with her. By good-heartedly chirping Faith's sexual performance, he uses humor to show that he's not one to be walked all over, but that doesn't mean he's going to treat her like shit either. What can I say? The man is full of surprises.

HOT! Back to high school

The Scoobies really are strongest as a unit, so I was thrilled to see that all previous conflict has been dead and buried, and they are their usual force to be reckoned with. I love that the final battle took place back in the high school, where everything first started for the gang. But more than that, I was just tickled by the witty, snap-crackle-pop dialogue of the core four. They've been, in some cases literally, to hell and back, together and to be able to just blather on about going to the mall, with Giles shaking his head, was a super-sweet moment before the big battle.

HOT! Oh my goddess

If I had to pick a favorite part of this episode, Willow's moment of glory would be it. She's always been my favorite character -- of all time, not just in the Buffyverse -- and her big-shebang spell was so perfect, both in terms of theme and character. With regards to theme, this spell fits right in with the girl-power overtones. A bunch of dudes declared that one girl would be a super-strong sacrificial lamb, and fight vampires, demons and the forces of darkness. As Buffy said, Willow is stronger than all of them. So what bigger 'fuck you' than to obliterate the Slayer tradition and make every Potential in the world a Slayer? That montage of those girls getting their power -- the Potentials we all know and hate, the softball girl, the trailer park chick -- totally gave me chills. As for character, Willow has spent all season in fear of her power. What if she goes for broke and turns all raven-haired magic momma again? So how fitting was it when she went full-tilt in the opposite direction and went all white and shiny? That was nifty.

NOT! Anya always doing the stupid thing

Okay, it would have been a little cheesy to have every single Scooby make it through the big fight. And plotwise, this is really gripping stuff. Andrew is all but ready to die. He knows he's done wrong, and in some ways he will never feel fully redeemed, so why not go down fighting evil? On the other hand, Anya has expressed her reticence for sticking her neck out for anybody, so their character arcs are ironically completed when Andrew survives because Anya saves him. But I really wish she would have made it to the end.

HOT! The epic battle

I'm really not one for war scenes. Sure, I like violence and fights in my entertainment, but big, sweeping battles usually find me reaching for my phone and checking my Instagram. This one was perfect. I don't have much to say about it, just that I was on the edge of my seat. Everyone had some good moments, got in some fabulous kills. Sure, there are a couple of head-scratchers. Like, why did it take every ounce of Buffy's Slayer strength to kill one Ubervamp, but all of a sudden, the likes of Dawn and Andrew are killing them like it ain't no thang? And how does Buffy suffer a stab wound to the gut, take a two-minute nap, and then masterfully clip a gajillion Ubervamp's with nary a blood stain on her shirt? Don't know, don't care.

NOT! I love you not

Spike's arc also came full circle when he donned the champion talisman and sacrificed himself to save the world. I hate to see him go but love to watch him leave I appreciate the poignance of his sacrifice. And he finally got Buffy to say she loved him. So why not just bloody accept it? This is their final moment together, and I wanted to savor it, not analyze whether or not Buffy really does love Spike. I know Joss Whedon is a fan of the classic undercut, but I thought these two deserved more.

HOT! The final scene

Buh-bye, Sunnydale.

FASHION SLAYER! For the last time, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Cute jacket from the endless supply courtesy of Hank Summers's absent dad guilt, stylish yet affordable boots, and a badass weapon. 'Nuff said.

Well that's all for me, my lovely readers. Please leave me a comment as to what you thought about the finale to this wonderful show.

When I first started writing this blog, back in October 2013, I started this blog with the intention of exchanging my oh-so hilarious, raunchy take on my favorite TV show with fellow fans, and getting to hear their opinions as well. I am proud to say that I succeeded tenfold. This blog is responsible for my wonderful friendship and collaboration partnership with the spectacular Martin Lastrapes. I have received comments from such a cornucopia for people, ranging from a Belgian fangirl to a war vet, and I have loved interacting with all of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Many of you have asked me/kindly requested that I follow up my 'Buffy' blog entries with another show, mainly 'Angel' or 'Charmed'. While I have had a blast blogging for you, I'm going to be straight with and tell you that I have nothing else in the works. Quite frankly, after blogging every week for almost three years straight, I need a break. Most of you know I am a screenwriter, hustling to sell my script, and I need more time to write. In a couple of weeks, I am getting married, so any time I am not writing, I want to spend with my new husband.

But fear not, my lovely readers. I am not shutting The Liz Channel down forever. I will be back periodically. Definitely for the Oscars. I also hope, at some point in the near future, to make a triumphant return to the Martin Lastrapes Show Podcast Hour so look out for me there. In the meantime, listen to the the podcast anyway. You can go through the archives to hear my old appearances, but make sure to follow Martin's new content. If you love my sense of humor, this will be right up your alley.

So that's all for me, lovely readers. At least for now.

Dish some time in the future;